On the mile trek to just GET to Marathon Park, I began my ritual internal “I HATE that I have to do this” battle with myself leading up to any major workout.
“If I only had gotten this done earlier, it wouldn’t be so freaking hot outside!”
“If I only had stuck to my original exercise plan a few years ago, I wouldn’t have to work this hard now!”
“If only I had not left that other tour, I would be in Boston today!”
(As you can tell, the daily run sometimes stirs up emotions
much bigger than the task at hand.)
I started thinking about – and therefore, reading up on – the fantasy of the “if only.” It so easy to dream up how life would be if we had only taken another path… stayed with that other job, left him earlier, moved to another city…. but in the end, does it really do us any good to think of the things that simply aren’t the case now? We’ve made our choices, we’ve forged ahead with our decisions… what do we really gain from thinking about how life might have been if we had only done things differently?
Easier said than done, of course, but the “if onlys” of the world really don’t work. It truly is a state of mind. Do we REALLY think if I were only: married, divorced, had a better job, had a bigger house, didn’t have any kids, had some kids, were thinner, were richer… would really complete us? Sure, some of them might ease the situation temporarily, but none of those “if onlys” will guarantee happiness. Even those with seemingly
perfect lives aren’t always really happy even if they seem to have it all (ie.
Christie Brinkley’s split with husband Pete Cook).
The idea of living “in the now” is a hard one for me to accept. I’ve always been one who moves and works hard to the get to the future and recently I’ve gotten stuck in reflections of the past. Yet, think of the ultimate freedom of living without the “if onlys” and truly accepting the fact that you are where you are. As imperfect or not-quite-what-you-expected as it may be, YOU ARE HERE. NOW. AS IT IS. What if we could simply take delight in that idea without second-guessing all of the life choices we’ve made thus far?
My spiritual mentor wrote me a prayer for New Year’s Eve, which I still read frequently:
"I wonder how many of the steps that have led me to this place may have been off the path or in the wrong place. Yet, if You’ve been here all along, how could I assume that any mistake on my part could be more powerful than Your hand?
Maybe it took everything I’ve been through to bring me to this moment. Maybe there was no other way to get right here where You have me.
I may as well enter this year believing that where I am right now, no matter how I got here, is the perfect place to begin this next leg of the journey."
From “
A Greek Tragedy’s” blog, author Stephanie Klein turned the “if only” around a bit and said if she only had 5 years to live and knew it, she would:
“want to feel alive. And for me, that means seeing many things,
trying new things, and living out loud, even if it's sloppy.
I want imperfection, highs and lows. For my heart to break, only for it to soar with joy it's never before known.”
As I entered the park, my mood shifted – or rather, I shifted my mood. It looked as though I had stumbled into a forest, where the trees were so high and plentiful, they blocked the heat of the sun and provided a cool breeze and jogged through the winding paths. I focused on the in and out of my breath and began to actively acknowledge where I was:
- in Wausau, Wisconsin (where?!)
- running through a park in the middle of the day
- still needing to do some work but right now, taking care of myself
- trying to get in better shape
- accepting that I’m still a work in progress, but believing that God has a plan for me (even though I HATE not knowing what it is exactly)
- being out of breath but still trying push it just a bit more
- actually ENJOYING the run!
No one ever promised life would be easy or happy all of the time. In those few moments, I was able to focus on the NOW and not get caught up in how life would have been “if only….”
Now if I can only do that more often…
