Grand Forks, ND: I feel like I have a cold. It started out as double pneumonia -- body-aches, insomnia and difficulty breathing. With the unfailing consistency of time, the symptoms slowly dissipated and I began to heal. Luckily, I had all sorts of assistance on the road to recovery -- doctors, medicine, friends' advice on how they got over their illnesses. But now I'm down to the last remnants of a cold. I've been trying to shake it -- that last little bit -- but every now and again, a dizzy spell will wash over me and I'm down for the count.
Sometimes I do something stupid, like run outside in the cold with my hair wet. I know it's not good for me and yet I still test myself to see if I can handle it. Maybe it's the adrenaline that I crave -- I can literally feel my heart pounding fast in my chest, ready to leap out and flounder around like a fish out of water. But when the rush has passed, I'm back to an annoying scratchy throat and am angry at myself for doing something I KNOW isn't good for me.
I decided to try something new -- more of a holistic remedy, really -- something I've half-heartedly attempted in the past, but never really gave the ol' college try at. The magic potion?
Forgiveness.
I thought this would be an easy one... just let it go! just forget about it! Easy? Not so much.
"The mystery of forgiveness is God's ultimate entry into powerlessness. Look at the times when you have withheld forgiveness. It's always your final attempt to hold a claim over the one you won't forgive. It's the way we finally hold onto power, to seek the moral high ground over another person."
Busted.
But how do I actually DO it? If it came in pill-form, I would be more than happy to take it with my fish oil and multivitamin. After some extensive research on the topic (not a lot to do in
Grand Forks), I found
one blog that suggested I "change my mantra." Instead of saying
"I'm so hurt by so-and-so," I can try to change it to
"Poor so-and-so for having so much of my negative energy directed at you for so long.” And,
“Poor me for being so attached to this negative energy.”
Forgiving myself too? Only one so-and-so at a time, please. That's going to take some extra effort. Then again, Don Henley, who wrote
one of the greatest forgiveness songs of all time, said it took him "
42 years to write and about 4 minutes to sing." I guess if it took Don that long, I shouldn't be too worried about rushing things.
In
another article, I also read that forgiveness really does help with your physical well-being:
"...we're wired to treat any tension-inducing event...as a crisis. At these times, our bodies release...stress hormones..., prompting our hearts to accelerate, our breath to quicken and our minds to race. An accompanying sugar release revs up muscles, and clotting factors surge in the blood. It's all harmless if the scare is brief (like a near mishap on the highway). But anger and resentment are like accidents that don't end, turning hormones meant to save us into toxins."
Ah, yes. The toxins. They are what's making this stupid cold hang on so long.
(I forgive myself for having a stupid cold.)
After all this time, pouring over the slow-but-free hotel internet, I'm actually starting to feel a little bit better. Maybe forgiveness is the final step to getting clear results. It's going to be a challenge -- really living into abandoning that last bit of power I think I have -- but if it will cure this disease... with a deep breath, I agree to whole-heartedly enter the program.
Feels like the fever just broke.
