Nashville, TN: I was so looking forward to getting some much needed sleep tonight, yet when I burrowed myself under the covers of my pillow-top bed, my mind simply wouldn't let my body rest. Sometimes the biggest challenge of low grade anxiety is the understanding of WHY. Why is my heart racing? Why am I feeling crazy? Why am I stressed at all?
I've been know to fret about the
what if's and the
if only's in my life, but I feel that some of them have validity. You are supposed to learn from your mistakes, right? Make different choices based on past experience? If you put your hand on a hot stove and burn your hand, ideally, the rational thing to do would be to NOT put your hand on that hot stove again... follow me?
But what about relationships? In the classic scenario of boy meets girl / boy dates girl / girl wants to grown spiritually & mentally and boy doesn't want to be a part of it / boy and girl split & even though girl knows it's the right thing, is still saddened by love lost (what? that's not the classic??), one would wonder WHY IN THE HELL would one even consider entering into the beginning of that scenario again? Didn't that burnt hand teach you anything?
So, I decide to speak out loud (not entirely creepy when you live alone) and ask God, specifically, for an answer. I pause and strain my ears to see if I can make out even the faintest murmur of a voice.
Nothing.
I decide to give God an easier way to reach me (how generous of me) and grab
a book on my nightstand. I try again.
"God - how about whatever you need to tell me or whatever I need to know, you show me in whichever page I open up to."
Eyes closed, I flip open the book and land on page 59. From the private journal of
Henri Nouwen, I open my eyes and stare at my answer:
Love Deeply.
"Do not hesitate to love and to love deeply. You might be afraid of the pain that deep love can cause. When those you love deeply reject you, leave you, or die, your heart will be broken. But that should not hold you back from loving deeply. The pain that comes from deep love makes your love ever more fruitful.
Those you have deeply loved become part of you. The more you have loved and have allowed yourself to suffer because of your love, the more you will be able to let your heart grow wider and deeper."
(thanks for the direct answer, God.)
What I'm slowly understanding (an ongoing process) is that me in any relationship (professional, friendship, romantic, etc.) needs to be ME. Instead of trying to act a part of someone who I think the other person wants, I really do need to just be myself.
And the real me is someone who loves deeply.
So, yeah, maybe it hurt that one time (and the time before that and the time before that), but who am I to hold back from giving my heart wholly and fully? I want to know that I've put 110% of the real me into every job, every photograph, every relationship. I want to walk away from each of them saying, "I did the very best I could."
And who knows? Maybe the real me -- the one with the restless sleep habits and late night blogging tendencies and a big, loving heart -- is all someone else is asking for.