When I returned home, having avoided throbbing feet from smart shoes, but not bypassing the pounding headache, I emailed a dear friend to see if she could help me decipher my confusion.
"Mmm.... that weird
hard-to-explain
brush-with-your-past kind-of-feeling. It's always difficult to step back into your old life
and old relationships just for a bit -
and even if you are in a much better place,
it's still the past,
it's still YOUR past
and you only get one of them.
time moves on.
relationships change,
and sometimes just looking at it for a brief time can be sad
(especially remembering how painful some of it was)."
After my diagnosis, I realized the progression I have made. Not sure if the slightly apprehensive feelings will ever dissolve completely, but I avoided the temptation of old gossip and was able to share some of my recent accomplishments with people who really do see me as I am now, not as a by-product of my past.
Most importantly, I knew I could turn to a dear friend and a sweet boy to simply say "I understand how you feel." THAT is real progress.