Numbing the Neutral


Nashville, TN: It's interesting to me how much I struggle with neutral. Pleasant is better (though too much sun can eventually burn) and unpleasant is something I'd like to stay away from (please and thank you). But when I'm in neutral -- nothing's really out of sync, everything is status quo, life is what it is -- I start to get fidgety. And I realize I'm really not good at middle of the road.

While on the elliptical the other day, I was watching Oprah (as I had just missed SVU, a new part of my training routine) and she was interviewing Geneen Roth, author of "Women Food and God" (a perfect show to watch while on this blasted machine....).

The book, in short, says:

"People use food as a way of numbing, distracting, or otherwise medicating their pain, loneliness, depression or anger."

True, I have overindulged in ice cream post breakup or while bitching about a co-worker, but this book got me thinking not so much about pain or depression that I (thank the good Lord) don't have right now, but more about current state of being. What if I modified the description a bit to:

"I use food / alcohol / internet / multitasking as a way to numb my neutral-ness."

I feel like I need to start that with a "Hi, I'm Carolyn."

Most of my life is goal-oriented: work hard to get into the college you want to go to, work harder to get the job you want -- and you will achieve success. Another part of my life has been to dive into the depth of despair and face my brokenness -- and it will borderline kill you, but eventually (one hopes), you will come out on the other side a fuller person. So I've danced with both the pleasant and the unpleasant. I'm just not used to this middle of the road jig.

In yet another attempt to work on mind and body, I started listening to dharma talks during morning walks. It's not as invigorating as listening to certain 90s pseudo rappers turned actors, but I'm also trying to stay moving for a longer period of time. And focused. Plus, even though multitasking is part of the problem, I find this is the best way to get in a bit of meditation while working out.

One of the speakers, Temple Smith, says on living in neutral:

"Try not being stuck in that realm -- (the) always chasing something pleasant -- because then you can't meet the full of your life, you can't meet neutral experiences / common experiences -- you'll just be spacing out, always be looking for the next goodie to come thru."

and

"If (life gives you) neutral experiences, you have to expand to want to be there for them and find just the being alive content and satisfying. It doesn't have to be laced with anything sweet or tantalizing. Just the being alive is amazing unto itself."

I just realized it took me 2 hours to write this post -- partially because I made coffee and chatted with the boy a bit, but also because I wasted a bit of time with Facebook, searched just a little too hard for that 90s video and answered an email. I guess even writing about not numbing the neutral doesn't necessarily mean I can actually do it.

It's going to be a long (middle of the) road. Hoping I can learn to be present while I'm on it.