Lewisburg, WV: At 3:03am, I awoke in a panic, forgetting that I was in the bunk and not my own bed; jaw throbbing from three hours of constant teeth gnashing (forgot my blasted mouth guard in my suitcase in the bay) and mind spinning from a nightmare that had gratefully just escaped my memory. I felt my left eye start to twitch and I confirmed that it's back -- though I still can't pinpoint what started it again.
At these moments, falling back asleep is almost a bigger challenge than dragging myself out of bed (or the bunk, today) in the morning. It's not because I can't (exhaustion will help with that), but because I'm almost fearful of going BACK into the subconscious state that I just snapped out of.
My nightmare tonight (though not the first time) felt as though I was sitting in a theatre, audience of one, watching my life played out by B-rate actors on a dimly lit stage. Whether it be bits of my past or some ghostly view of my future, all at once, mid-act, the actors will stop and glare at me, waiting for their cue... to which I have none. I am mute. I cannot walk. Yet, they drag me on stage and demand me to be a part of their production. I am tired and don't want to relive the pain or face the unknown, yet they push me and taunt me until I do
something. Anything. If I am lucky enough, I can make myself wake up (as I did this morning), but when I'm not so lucky, it can be a five act play of regret and fear.
I try to have some sort of mantra or prayer close by to go back to sleep to -- somehow, chanting some sort of positive idea over and over again gives me a shield for the battle I may encounter again. Even if it's simply the power to close my eyes in the theatre.
This morning, I focused on a talk by
Tara Brach. I had listened to
this particular talk a few times, to make sure I really got the full impact of her words. As I focused on the sound of the highway beneath the wheels of the bus, I practiced my own monologue:
We all take false refuge.
We all judge and blame and wish things away.
And still, holding the situation in your mind, try on the Bodhi for aspiration:
May these circumstances serve to awaken my heart and mind.
May this situation really be a part of my path.
May it awaken compassion.
With a calmer mind (though a still-twitchy eye), I turned my back towards the curtain and my mind towards what I love.
And then....
blessed sleep.