Nashville, TN: I went to a mini-retreat on Saturday. It was in preparation for a once a month spiritual group I'm joining, suggested by my former therapist/new friend. It was held at the Sisters of Mercy convent, a retirement community for nuns, which meant throughout the day, I saw a lot of similar looking, short women with white hair and sweet smiles roaming the halls.
We were given two bible passages and instructions on how to pray:
First, we were to find a comfortable position and place where you will feel comfortable talking out loud to God. This turned out to be a small lounge in one wing of the convent with a small but oversized couch and a small table and chairs that smelled like my grandparents' house.
Next, we were to
read through the scripture three times out loud. Notice any word or phrase that seems to stand out. When this happens, stop and just stay with the word or phrase and see where your heart goes. See where God leads you. One of the passages was
Mark 4:35-41. It was about Jesus & the disciples being on a boat, which is about to sink because of a crazy storm happening around it and Jesus is sleeping through the whole thing. The disciples freak out and wake up Jesus, assuming he obviously doesn't care about them since he's not doing anything, so he wakes up (annoyed as hell, I'm sure) and tells the storm to chill out (which it does, because he's, well, God). Then he turns to his friends and says, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still not have any faith?" (Taken from the Carolyn Snell translation of the bible.) I didn't really get stuck on a word, but rather, the thought of Jesus saying,
"seriously? I've done SO much for you already and you still don't have faith in Me to help you get through a storm?"
And then, I took a nap.
To be fair, we were to stay on the same bible verse for a full hour and after reading it three times out loud, be still, listen for God and see where the Holy Spirit takes your heart. All I know is sitting quietly for a full hour and listening for God (which, unless you know something I don't, isn't an audible response) on a Saturday morning is a little exhausting. Plus, another rule was to be sure to take good breaks between prayer times. So, mine just happened to coincide with the prayer time. Maybe the Holy Spirit knew I needed a nap.
Overall, it was... good. (This is why I'm not a retreat reviewer.) It was nice to be away from my phone and computer for 7 hours, but I didn't feel like I had any big epiphanies or huge conversations with God.
Until later that evening.
The boy and I got into a fight. A big one. The kind where you're frustrated because you haven't had a lot of quality time together lately and you really miss each other, but instead of just saying that, you get mad over something that doesn't even matter and suddenly, you find yourself yelling at each other on the back porch at 2am and bringing up miscommunications from months ago. And, we had both been drinking, which makes everything more dramatic and more emotional.
At one point, there were no more words to say (and no more wine to drink) and I was preparing for the worst. In my mind, I called out to God. Ok, are you there for me? Will I be able to do this again on my own? I felt confident. I felt strong. God had my back and I would be fine! I was standing alone on my porch when I heard the spare key to my house drop on my living room table and the front door close.
Suddenly, I panicked. I didn't want it to end like this. I knew I could do it (if I had to) but I didn't want to. I couldn't bear to think that this drunken, mean evening would be the last in a year and a half relationship. I went racing after him but he had gone. Tearful, I returned to my eerily quiet condo, and stood in the middle of living room. I was afraid. I was in the alone in the boat, drowning, with the storm all around me.
Then, I heard it in my head.
"Why are you so afraid? Do you still not have any faith?"
I turned around and he was back. He was sorry. I was sorry. We embraced and cried. It wasn't going to end like that. Not tonight. I hadn't been left alone. Not by the boy and not by God. I had been prepared earlier in the day without even knowing it.
O me of little faith....
