Sewanee, TN: Throughout high school, I went on a handful of retreats called TEC. First, I was an attendee, then I was a behind-the-scenes worker, finally I was a leader. There was something magical about each time I went: the sharing, the stories, the laughter, the prayers, the community, the crosses-made-of-nails that each person left with and would pass onto another at his or her next retreat. So, in my mind, when I hear the word "retreat," I think of it not only as a time to get away from the normal day-to-day, but also a time to have a list of activities planned (by someone else, thankfully) to enhance my spiritual journey.
What I seemed to have misinterpreted is that just because you've been on ONE retreat does not mean it is the blueprint for ALL retreats.
Case in point: I am at St. Mary's Sewanee, a lovely hour-and-forty-minutes-away-from-Nashville-retreat-center, attending the coveted
buddhist retreat. I say coveted because when I got an email about the retreat back in July and responded almost immediately with great interest, the initial response from the center was, "sorry, it's already booked, but we can put you on the waiting list."
Which, of course, only made me want to do it more.
Turns out someone decided to be a commuter for the 3 day event (whom I actually knew.... divine intervention?), leaving one room open with two double beds. I happened to be first on the list (I like to think of myself in the highest level of the lower class) and jumped at the chance. I began studying meditation
two years ago and though I barely make time to practice it anymore, I have found more understanding in the mix of Buddhism & Christianity than any other religion I have attempted to discover. The author of the book explaining the
Four Noble Truths of Buddhism will be leading the retreat and it's my own free weekend this whole month -- so it fit perfectly into my tightly-scheduled life.
I pack up the car and head to
former therapist / new friend's house, who will be joining me as my roommate for the stay. I had big plans for the insightful weekend we were going to be sharing but as soon as we hit stand-still traffic on the way there, I realized things are usually not the way we plan them.
After we get situated into the dorm-like facility and have our first
Dharma talk, we are told that this will be a silent retreat (including writing notes to our neighbors). Hmmm. This was NEVER indicated in anything I read about this retreat. Plus, we are to stay off of email, phones, texts, etc. Double hmmm. I know I have a problem of being a little
too connected to technology but I would like to at least text my love goodnight before I go to sleep. How damaging can that really be?
It turns out this whole experience has been much more uncomfortable than I had planned. I was expecting to be stimulated, to have discussion, to be engaged. Instead, most of the day is made up of Dharma talks (not discussions), I have fallen asleep through EVERY sitting meditation we've done and can't help but notice that the 100+ people doing the very intentional (and slow paced)
walking meditation outside is very reminiscent of a zombie movie. It's not that my mind won't shut off, it's that I can't seem to settle into the fact that for 3 days, it's all about focusing on the here & now, not the what-happened-then or what's-going-to-happen-in-the-future (which is the point of this retreat, I get it).
Tonight, I got my respite. In the evening talk, Phillip was telling a story about
Ajahn Sumedho, a Buddhist master who began who began his practice by moving to a monastery in Thailand for a year with only one booklet on the four noble truths and speaking no Thai. In the midst of Phillip revealing great insight that Sumedho discovered through his year-long reflection in silence, I hear the sweet old man sitting in front of me whisper to his wife,
"did he say tomato?"
I threw my hands over my mouth, hoping to not let any of the laughter I had coming out of my mouth escape. The simple sound similarity of Sumedho and tomato was exactly what I needed to hear to break up the seriousness and focused mental headspace I had been in since I got here. So, this weekend isn't exactly what I thought it was going to be. So, sitting quietly and staying away from technology is not my strong suit (noted by this blog). But, I'm learning that sometimes it takes just a little humor to snap me out of my resistant funk and remind me that all of this deep spiritual searching is really just showing up for life the way life is as it is, not necessarily as I want it to be.
And sometimes that humor comes in the form of a tomato.
