musings from the road: The Big 12

I love lists. Anytime there's something in my head that is filling up my brain (and usually, there's a LOT of brain-filler), if I can get it out & on paper (or, more likely, on my computer), I feel a sigh of relief because at least now I know I don't have to remember it, which is another whole stress.

So in honor of the Big 12 (since I'm such a huge sports enthusiast), I'd like to list the 'to do's' in my life that are currently all vying for top place. Maybe if they're down in writing, I'll be able to step back and re-enfocar.

1. My job. I love my job so much. Since it is a job, sometimes I forget how great it is until someone asks me how it's going. When I start telling them of the going-ons and coming-ups and throw in a fun story or two from the road, it makes me so incredibly grateful for my lot in life. However, there are a lot of details and last minute changes which I have to keep straight for everyone... without annoying them with too many updated updates. Little "don't forget to's" often wake me up in the middle of the night, which is why I keep a pad & pen by my bedside.

2. My other job. So I took another job. Just a few days to fill in for another TM. Timing worked out perfect... except that I didn't really think about all the advance work that comes before the perfect schedule happens. As a sub, you're not 100% familiar with all the ins & outs, so it's a lot of "sorry to bother you again" emails to the other (fantastic & helpful) TM. Plus, the less-large the tour, the more hats you wear, so I'm doing my best on trying to keep all the hats at least color coordinated.

3. Thistle Farms. I guess technically this is my other other job. I probably don't have to even say how much I love this place since I talk about it all the time, but it still gets me in a way nothing else can. And there's so MUCH I want to do to help. That's my biggest challenge -- big ideas, big research, big checklists -- but simply no big time to do it all. Sometimes the frustration of not being able to give 100% of my time makes the work I can get to seem daunting, but then I take a moment to remember the real reason I am here and the real reason this place exists in the first place -- the women. As in tonight, I walked 2 blocks to Fanny's House of Music to their live music event (with proceeds going to TF) and listened to Jennifer's & Gwen's stories. They were both so moving -- one, a graduate of the program who has probably told her story a hundred times and the other, telling her story for the first time in public ever. My heart swelled and my eyes teared and THAT is enough to make me want to push forward with whatever time I can give them.

4. God. Told you this wasn't in order -- if it were, God should have been first. But it feels appropriate on the heels of talking about Thistle Farms. These women are all working hard on their own spiritual journeys and recovery and while they inspire me tremendously, it's also pretty obvious that I haven't been working very hard on my own spiritual journey. Not sure how I jump back on that train, but hoping that at least saying it helps me get back on track.

5. Fitness. I've tried to stay a bit quiet about this one because when I told someone last year I joined a new gym, their response was "another one?" Guess I have been hopping around a bit, but this one seems to be sticking. Only recently have I really tried to refocus on my eating habits as well, so very (very) slowly am I starting to see a bit of a change. Ideally, I would love to drop 15 pounds, but I would also like to enjoy life while doing it. So, I guess I'll settle for 7.5? Just need to keep at it every day and sometimes just getting there is the biggest challenge.

6. The Boy. Relationships are hard work. Especially when two really busy people with fairly different schedules try to find time to spend together. I'm out of town a lot and sometimes when I'm back, he's working late, so in order to see each other at all, we'll get dinner at 10pm... which doesn't help very much with #5. And, of course, all my preexisting girl anxieties will sometimes make long stretches of time between seeing one another seem almost unbearable, but when we finally DO get together and I am in that loving embrace, I can't help but think that it is totally worth it.

7. Family. Speaking of relationships being hard work.... Getting older is such an interesting phenomenon. The changes in grandparents, parents and children (who are now actually adults) are sometimes utterly confusing and I wonder why Dr. Spock didn't write a book on Adult Care, not just Baby Care. Like any relationship I choose to be in, I really hope I can continue to be a willing participant in this dance and hopefully I won't have to dance alone.

8. Spanish. Mexico inspired me and stirred up some of my high school and grade school teachings of the Spanish language. Not that I plan on taking any trips to any foreign-speaking countries anytime in the near future, but Spanish is the second largest language in the US. And I hate not being able to communicate. Plus, if I had a superpower, it would be to speak and understand every language in the world. I figure I've got to start somewhere. And by somewhere, I mean spanish lessons on Tuesday nights starting this week.

9. Photos. Now that I've got my lovely new website and ability to add new galleries of photos myself, it's a perfect time to start uploading, right? Not so fast. I still need to go through them and photoshop/lightroom them. Not every single photo and not a total makeover of the ones I choose, but I hate simply putting out any photos I take without allowing them to be sent to post production. Just like any good movie editor or music engineer, no photographer would want to show any less than her very best work. And while I'm not technically known for my photography, I always want anything with my name on it to be my very best work.

10. Therapy. I've started again. Not because there's a major life tragedy going on this time, but because I want to work on some of the issues in my life -- some bigger than others, some day to day confusion, some in my head, some on this list -- and continue to learn how to navigate without it coming from a place of desperation. One of the very few things I can say was good in the midst of heartache and pain was that I took time to work on myself. Really, because there was nothing else I could do. I miss that self-help and want to figure out how to do it while things are "fine." (lifting a small prayer up that the "fine" statement doesn't bite me in the ass anytime soon....)

11. Sleep. I just don't get enough of it, bottom line. Not only am I doing all of the things listed above, but when I finally do get to sleep, I wake up in the middle of the night, mind racing with more "to do's" and "did you's?" It's exhausting. Literally.

12. Everything Else. I had to stop with 12 because of the title of the blog, but if I let myself think more, I'm pretty sure I would come up with at least another 12, so I'll just lump them all together in the "everything else" category. Lots to do and little time. Not sure if and when this eventually changes, but I'm hoping there's some sort of solution to this unbalanced ratio.