Grateful List


Nashville, TN:

I heard when you’re low, make a list of all the things you are grateful for. Supposedly, that gets you away thinking of the negative and focusing on the positive. I’m feeling a bit cynical right now, but I’ll give it a shot & see how I feel at the end of it.

Things I Am Grateful For In This Moment:
1. For the simple fact that Facebook wasn’t created in 1989. If Facebook was created in 1989, one of my status updates would have read something like this: “Andy B. is finally done dating Kerry… and then Shawnda… and then Charity… and NOW he finally is dating me!” From 1992 to 2002, my relationship status would have changed from “single” to “in a relationship with” to “single” to “it’s complicated” to "single" to… what other options are there again? And from 2002-2005… I don’t even want to think about the shit I would have posted then. I feel really bad for my sweet-almost-16-year-old-Goddaughter that has a Facebook account and how that simple website affect her life in ways none of us can even predict. As a 36 year old grown woman, I’m struggling with how to deal with Facebook. Am I supposed to untag or defriend? Do I change my status? Do I say nothing? Do I simply step away from the computer? (quiet, peanut gallery.) All I know is that I’m grateful I’ve only been on this thing about 4 years instead of 24.

2. For poems like this and excerpts of books like this. For all those painstakingly beautiful heartbreak songs played on repeat, but also for the other ones that make you feel a little stronger.

3. For half empty old packs of cigarettes that make me think I will be comforted like an old friend.... but then remind me that they're actually still pretty f*ing gross. (Though I can't seem to throw the rest of them away completely....hmmm....)

4. For muscle memory. You know, “when a movement is repeated over time, a long-term muscle memory is created for that task, eventually allowing it to be performed without conscious effort.” (thank you, Wikipedia for the specifics and former shrink for the idea.) So, in theory, you would think that with a few heartbreaks throughout one’s life, your heart would use its muscle memory to “endure the next grief.” That’s what I’m banking on, at least.

5. For hot tea instead of wine. At least for now.

6. For Act One. Dr. Phil. Just listen. Trust me.

7. For phone messages that encourage me to “believe that God has lead you to this very place right now.”

8. For a community of women that will hold me up and wipe my tears and make me a laugh and inspire me to keep moving forward and looking up. It's a bit ironic that I had to go through a huge heartbreak to find them in the first place....

9. For sleeping through the night and being able to get out of bed the next morning. (If you've been through this before, you'll understand how huge this is.)

10. For the last two years. For opening myself up to love again and to being loved again. And then, for knowing when it's time to step aside and having the strength to do it. (Even though it hurts and it’s sad and I wish there was another way around it.)

End of list and I'm feeling... ok, so a little better than when I began. It's still going to take a while, though. The heart is a terrible thing to waste.