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Nashville, TN: I figured it would probably happen. I started the new year with a cliche, but it ended up working out in my favor. I did a 5 week boot camp, cut out booze/sugar/bread, and lost 9 lbs. and 4.5% body fat. Then I went to Europe in February (and ate the hell out of some pierógis). But I got back into boot camp again when I returned and have been faithfully doing it ever since. Except I never quite got back on the food/drink bandwagon. Low and behold, some of the weight has returned (shocker). Luckily, I only gained back 4 lbs. and 0.7% body fat. But that's what happens. If you stop doing it, it stops working. Plain and simple.
But something else happened. I started noticing that I wasn't just not eating healthy. I was eating to avoid. Avoid working, avoid working out, avoid whatever feeling I didn't want to feel at that particular moment. And it's not just food -- it's alcohol, it's Facebook, it's anything to numb my feelings. I realized if I keep this up, those other 5 pounds are going to come back. And them some. And while I'm bitching about my pants fitting again, I'm ignoring the root of the problem: I'm trying to numb myself.
I've decided that starting tomorrow, I'm going to do a mid-year reset. For another duration of boot camp (4 weeks), I'm going to go back to the ABS plan (no alcohol, bread or sugar) and work out on a daily basis -- but more than that, I'm going to try to avoid anything that takes me out of the present moment. I think this is going to be most hard electronically. My job requires me to be available on my computer and iPhone at all times, so I can't technically turn off completely. And since I'm in charge of social media for Thistle Farms, I can't sign off of Facebook/Twitter altogether. But I can limit the amount of time I spend on the site, filled with images and stories of "friends" having the best times of their life.
This is also going to be an opportunity for me to get back in check with me. It sounds cheesy, but just like any good new year's resolution, the intent and dedication eventually wears off. I find a lot of my time reflecting on past mistakes, craving other's approvals and fretting about an unknown future. What about the now? What about this very minute in this very space, just as it is?
There's a line in an Indigo Girls' song that says,
"There are a thousand things about me I want only you to know."
There used to be a time where I thought I knew all the intricacies about myself. And I dreamed of sharing my innermost feelings and dreams with a partner. But as time has progressed, I could feel myself slip into a pattern of not just wanting to know the other person's stories more than my own, but not even knowing what my own feelings were anymore. I want to remember what those thousand things are and I want to be confident with the woman I am today.
I already know it's going to be hard work. I already know it's easier to pour a glass of wine... and then another one... and glaze over as I surf the web, avoiding my own imperfections and loneliness. But I also know if I keep it up, I won't be the best person I can be to offer to someone else. Or worse yet -- I won't be the best person I can be, simply to myself.
I went to a book signing tonight of The Improbable Philanthropist. After buying the book (which will buy a lift for Thistle Farms!), another book caught my eye that I thought was apropos for my reset. And as soon as I finish my beer, I will read it, go to sleep and prepare for my mid-year journey to getting back on track.
Well, maybe one more beer. It's going to be a long month, after all.
