musings from the road: Daring Greatly: Closer To Fine

The chapter is actually called “the vulnerability armory,” which is figuring out a way to protect ourselves from being vulnerable. No one likes to feel uncomfortable and if you haven’t lived vulnerably ~~ever~~ in a while, it’s not any easy switch to make. I find myself going to great lengths to feel anything but. Since I’ve temporarily taken away some of my natural go-to’s (specifically in the form of vino, which is usually followed up by sending out semi-desperate texts, in an attempt to force connection and get validation), I notice I’ve been trying to substitute dealing with icky situations with other distractions.

“Are my choices comforting and nourishing my spirit, or are they temporary reprieves from vulnerability and difficult emotions ultimately diminishing my spirit? Are my choices leading to my Wholeheartedness, or do they leave me feeling empty and searching?”

I’m beginning to understand that trying to live vulnerably is simply trying new things and seeing what sticks. If the over-drinking and unnecessary-texting are leaving me feeling ‘empty and searching,’ why not try copious amounts of hot tea and listen to multiple podcasts of This American Life? And if that doesn't work, what about trying something else? Granted, both of those things – while seemingly almost valiant – don’t offer the same immediate relief. And let’s be honest – they don’t give me the same warm and fuzzy feeling a bottle of Pinot does. But I’m understanding that the ‘quick fixes’ I’ve done forever are just that – quick. If I want to live the rest of my life out to the fullest, I’ve got to figure out new ways to move through the muck of emotional yuck.

So, while not to lie and say that making the not-as-fun choices or – as my dear friend has encouraged me on many occasions - ‘leaning into the discomfort’ feels as good, I will say that there’s something to playing out the whole scenario in my head and picking the choice that will make me feel less shitty in the morning.

Brené shares a story about her husband’s view of her vulnerability:

“Your tendency used to be to rush to certainty. And it’s not because of time, it’s because the uncertainty and that discomfort -- you can’t sit in it. You rush to safety and certainty like a bull in a china shop. It doesn’t matter what I break along the way, it doesn’t matter if it’s even the right decision, I just need to get out of the torture of the uncertainty.”

As a way to deal with this, Brené suggests:

“Think about when you’ve been scared and uncertain. Think about what you do and start using that as your EWS (early warning system) and then name it. You can stomp around, journal, play a certain song. I sometimes listen to the Indigo Girls’ ‘Closer to Fine’ when I’m in vulnerability.”

This is another reason I like Brené. She stomps, she journals (and blogs) and she listen to and quotes one of my favorite artists / former bosses / dear friends. I’m pretty sure we could be BFFs. Or at least e-FFs (if there’s not an official “electronic friends forever” acronym, there is one now).

That song alone – which is played as the encore to nearly all of their shows – talks about multiple ways to get closer to ‘fine’:

go to the doctor
go to the mountain
look to the children
drink from the fountain
go to the bible
go through the workout
read up on revival
stand up for the lookout

Notice, they didn’t call the song “Take The Shortcut To Arrive At Perfect.” One, because that’s just a really bad song title (weird that I’m not a songwriter…) and two, because that’s not what it’s about. There is no shortcut to living Wholeheartedly. And there is no end point in which you arrive perfectly. It’s the day by day, breath by breath, stumbly, fumbly, attempts at living as openly and vulnerably as possible.

“It’s about self respect and about valuing the real importance of our story and while we’re excited about connection, it’s still a slow process. And we still want to honor ourselves and our stories as sacred by moving slow.”