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Nashville, TN: Maybe it was because I was back in my hometown that I started having dreams of the past. Or perhaps it was the wistful emotions wrapped up in the holidays. I don't remember all the details, but I felt the need to dig out the cardboard box I keep inside my room when I returned home.
I arrived two hours late, but nonetheless, I had made it back, unscathed. The house was cold, since the heat had been turned off while I was away. The crawl space I entered, with flashlight in hand, was even colder. Under a box of unused Christmas decorations and wrapped in a handmade quilt, I pulled out the box and brought into my room.
I was looking specifically for one thing -- the item in my dreams -- and found it fairly quickly. But I was already in the box and figured since I was there, I might as well look at the rest of the contents.
Inside the cardboard box I keep inside my room was evidence of a past life. Notes jotted down on a hotel notepad; a postcard stolen from a nightclub; a dried red rose, petals dropping off as it was moved. And, of course, pictures.
I turned the pile of neatly stacked photos around and stared at the girl looking back at me. She seemed much thinner, with shorter hair and different glasses. I studied her face and noticed her smile: the first several were genuine; happy. Towards the end, though, I could tell she was faking it. It was almost painful to see her poor performance -- she had no poker face.
I opened a letter, the final attempt at salvaging... something. I could barely recognize the handwriting and had forgotten some of the emotions tied in with it. I could see the forced, yet sincere, effort it was offering; the promised hope that maybe we could try again. Yet, even then, we both knew I couldn't fake it anymore.
As I put the lid back on the cardboard box I keep inside my room, I realized that I couldn't remember the last time I thought about the box. I realized I could look at her -- and him -- without wet eyes.
I realized I could put the cardboard box I keep inside my room away and set it next to the other boxes I'm not quite ready to look at yet.