On a plane, somewhere between Charlotte, NC and Houston, TX:
I just realized the other day that I hadn’t written a blog in… I couldn’t even
remember how long. Then once I looked on my blog, I saw that I hadn’t post
anything in the entire month of
September. For someone who made the
big claim that she wanted to write more, she is doing a pretty
lousy job at it.
The only real response to my questioning readers (hi mom!)
in regards to my online absence is: I’ve been really busy. Now, I know people use “busy” as an excuse to avoid
things and I’ll be the first to admit that “busy” is my drug of choice. But I
believe I’ve taken it to a whole new level and am in the midst of a season of taking on too much.
It’s not that individually any of the projects are overwhelming.
While each is significant, if I were dedicating all of my attention to just one
of them, there wouldn’t be much of a story here, other than to complain about my
default ‘busy’ schedule. But I’m juggling five major projects that each deserve
my 100% attention and care and I’m not in a position to let any of them down.
Cut to thinking about friends with who wanted and have children.
The idea of having a kid sounds
awesome. You know there will be some adjusting and life will be a little
busier, but it’s nothing you can’t handle. Then when you actually have the kid (so I’m told / have
observed), everything changes. Your time is no longer yours. If that kid needs
something, it is up to you to provide for their every need. When that kid is
hungry or needs new shoes, you have to spend your money to buy whatever it is
they require. When that kid gets sick or hurt, you have to stop everything to
take care of them.
You can’t say, halfway through their second year, ‘you know, this seemed like a good idea at
the time, but I don’t know if I can handle all of this responsibility now.’
You’re in it and you just do it.
Sometimes (most times?) you don’t even know HOW you’re going to do it, but
there’s no time to think about that – you just push forward and do the best you
can.
Cut back to my five projects. These are like my five
children whom I love and adore and couldn’t see my life without… but struggle
internally, worrying that they are completely taken care of and that I’m not
playing favorites. Like an overprotective parent, I spend all of my waking
hours tending to their needs and all of my sleeping hours (the few there are) making
to do lists in my head, which I hope to remember when the sunlight wakes me to
do start it all over again.
But at this point, I’m in. I made the commitment to take on
the projects – to have the children – and there’s no choice but to just move
forward, do my best to keep taking care of them and love them the best way I
know how. Plus, they’re all so amazing
and I’m lucky to be so busy with such truly wonderful kids... errr, projects.
I’m pretty sure that this season of parenthood confirms my
already-fairly-confident decision to not have actual children of my own. How would I have time for REAL kids if I can't make time for the ones I only allude to?
